Tom's Adoption Journey
Tom Ott
Brooklyn, NY
Peter and I had been together 5 years, but it was not yet legal in NY for a gay couple to adopt. I made an inquiry through the Council on Adoptable Children (COAC). Because I was a social worker, I knew that there were many children in the public system that needed a loving home, so we decided to pursue public not private adoption. COAC then referred me to two possible agencies; one, which played out as discriminatory, and the other, which did not. I pursued the non-discriminatory agency, completed the process, and then applied for children in the "Blue Books." The Blue Books are NY's listing of children in NYC who are free to be adopted.
Over the course of a year, I applied on behalf of a few children who were considered "hard to place." My home studies were sent to the agencies overseeing the children. These applications led to the response "the child needed a "traditional" family placement.... code for, among other possibilities, “not a gay couple.”
Our social worker suggested that we open ourselves up to pre-adoptive foster care. There was a great need in NYC at the time for families for "boarder babies" (babies in hospitals who were medically able to be discharged but where there was no one to discharge them to). We decided to do this, because our only other option was challenging the agencies determination on one of the previously applied for children, which could have taken a very long time. Soon after opening ourselves up, we welcomed a 5-week-old girl into our family who became our legal daughter at the age of 2. She is now 31 years old!
Aside from the discrimination explained above, there were a few other bias challenges along the parenting road, based on our sexual orientation. When it became clear that our daughter required special education supports, the process of the NYC Department of Education included formal representatives or clinicians of the DOE. In the middle of a hearing where lawyers were present, they asked us what we expected.... given our family "situation." Our lawyer informed us that we could pursue federal discrimination litigation if we wanted. What we wanted was for our daughter to have a free and appropriate education, the same as any other child. We were successful but it was a very challenging personal experience.
I oppose discrimination in foster care and adoption based on religion, sexual orientation, or gender identity because:
LOVE MAKES A FAMILY!!......No matter the orientation of a parent(s). Again, as a Social Worker I continue to know of the need, but I have met many, many parents through this life journey. Some great parents.... some not-so-great parents BUT...it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. People need to open their hearts and their homes. The last thing we can afford to do is discriminate against people who want to be part of the solution.